Someone scared about coming out....

[KimboCosmo]

I am starting this topic, because I need some advice. How might some of you help someone you know who is gay, and in the closet?

 

Lets say you know someone...someone who is indeed your very best friend, and that friend has trusted you and confided in you, and told you that they were gay. You are the ONLY person who knows of ALL their friends that they are gay, and so when you are out together in big groups with other friends, they cannot be theirself, because no one else knows they are gay. Some of the "other friends" are anti-gay as well, and your best friend really loves them, but doesn't want them to turn and walk out of their life either.

 

Imagine...you are in a group, hanging out on the weekend, just shopping or bowling or going to a movie or whatever, and all the other girls (or guys) are checking out opposite genders...well, that best friend, has to pretend they are checking out other genders, but really they are wanting to say, "Oh wow, check out her, or him"...of the same gender.

 

Now, also picture...your best friend (who is gay), grew up in a very very strict christian home, and has parents who ABSOLUTELY do NOT accept homosexuality in any way or form. The parents are TOTALLY against it, and might even disown your best friend if they ever found out. So, knowing that...now you should know, they STILL live with their parents. However, your friend is very miserable, and wants to date and be free to the world and bring home that "special someone"...but they can't, all because the fear of what their parents will think or say or do, lingers over them 24/7...night and day.

 

How would you go about advising them on HOW to tell their parents they are gay, AND their other friends??? Or when the time would be right? I'm so confused right now...

[celinerific]

People have to learn to accept others as they are. If people can't learn to do that, they're not the ones worth fighting for. Fight for the people who love you and will always love you for who you are, regardless of any circumstances. It's true, some parents may be against homosexuality. But, that shouldn't make you go against your own rights in choosing who you want to be. If the parents truly love their child, they'll adapt over time. If however, parents do not learn to adapt, they'll live a life of regret, because they'll known that they let go of what is truly important. Love.

 

People should go with what they believe in. Let aside what others think. Do what you want, it's your life, live it the way you want it to be lived. Live it to its fullest. That's my advice.

Edited November 14, 2007 at 02:13 AM by celinerific

[KimboCosmo]

I do believe all that is true, I honestly do. However, when you are that person who is THAT scared of everyone around you, and what they will think or do...it is hard to just do something like that. I don't know...I feel for this person, I really do.

 

I wish more people would reply to this, and give me their ideas on what to say to them, or advice to give them... I'm pretty open when it comes to things like this...anyone I know would tell anybody, I am deff someone you can trust...so with that...sigh

[celinedionsfan]

I am gay. It took me a long time to come to the realization and aceptance that I am gay. One of the difficult aspects of being gay is dealing with the various Christian religions and their teachings about gays being anything from sinners to disordered. Perhaps you could best help your friend by just being there... being a friend... you did not say and I am not going to assume the gender of your friend... but, as you are and want to be supportive, you might encourage your friend to go to gay friendly or predominatley gay places andoffer to go along.

 

Your friend is still living at home, telling the parents might not only be very difficult - and certainly very emotional, but may alos have serious consequences - such as the parents attempting to "change" your friend or even disown and throw your friend out of the house.

 

The worst thing you can do is "advise" your friend to "come out" and/or "be open" if your friend is not ready. The best you can do is really be there and listen... and let your friend know ... not by words but by actions ... that you really are there...

 

-- Erika -- yeah in a perfect world with perfect people - we'd all get along and accept one another -- but we are not perfect -- and if this person's parents are devoutl Christians -- sadly they will not be accepting ---

 

Kim... I'm always around -- pm me if you want to talk on a more private level --

[KimboCosmo]

Thankyou so much, Celine....

[Frida]

wow.. I don't know what it's like to grow up in an "anti-gay" family, and the girl I have in mind doesn't have one either... but she is still scared to death to tell them... (basically all of her friends know and is still loved just as much by everyone) and I've told her that there's NO way her being gay will change their love for her (you may think I can't promise something like that, but her parents and stepmom are among the sweetest people I've ever met), and sometimes when she's a bit down I remind her of that... that's all you should do... remind her of the people who love her unconditionally, like Erika said, if her parents or ANYONE doesn't accept her, they're not worth fighting for... You said she wants them in her life, of course she does, but if they can't accept her for who she is then I don't think they should have the privilege of having her in their life...

 

Don't pressure her into coming out... it's an extremely hard thing to do for most people, including myself. I know how scared I was for my parents reaction even though I knew they'd be okay with it, I can't even imagine how she must be feeling...

 

If you were my friend and I hadn't come out yet, the best thing you could do for me would be to just BE there, listen to me when I want to talk (even though you might not understand); be my trash can lol (that's what called my best friend at the time) let me yell, curse and complain and just let everything out.. don't take it personally, just let me - and help me- get it out, no matter if it's about my parents ignorance or a broken nail lol; don't talk about coming out unless I brought it up, it can be pressuring even if it's not your intention; just remind me why people like me and are my friends in the first place...

 

 

that's the sort of things my best friend did when I came out to my parents (2 years ago on monday actually), and that's the best help anyone can ask for... just BE there!

but of course everyone is different

[mazceline]

well im 30 and still very much locked away in the closet, its not the easiest thing to do, and i guess you have to do it when your strong and feel the time is right

[ByuSmurf]

Here is a SAD TRUTH!

Homosexuality is STILL illegal in some states!

Sodomy Laws in the United States

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that sodomy laws are unconstitutional on June 26, 2003.

The sodomy law map below is prior to Lawrence v. Texas. All states are now white, ie the sodomy laws are unconstitutional and unenforceable. However, some states still attempt to enforce their laws. See Virginia, Oklahoma, and North Carolina. The U.S. Military enforces its sodomy regulation without regard to Lawrence.

 

http://www.sodomylaws.org/sodomy_map.jpg

[nico robin]

The worst thing you can do is "advise" your friend to "come out" and/or "be open" if your friend is not ready. The best you can do is really be there and listen... and let your friend know ... not by words but by actions ... that you really are there...

 

i think the same thing..you should just be there for him/her, is the best thing you can do, most of people doesn't accept gay people, is sad i know, but we can't do anything, and you can't rush your friend to come out it might not be the time yet.... if people doesn't accept him/her, it will be worse...but if they really like him, they will accept it no matter what, when pplloves you for realthey don't care if you're gay or not, they love you for who you are, even the parents, well it might be hard for them but....is them son/daughter

 

 

i have a crush for a girl, it started about 3 months ago (she's so cute), and ...well i can't tell anyone of my friends, they don't understand...i've tried to bring that dsubject on, everytime i see her i try to say oh isn't she cute and i've said it and they just look at me like haha you're kidding right??? and i can't say no i'm not...they wouldn't understand, and most of them don't like gay/bi people they think is disgusting , well and is very dificult for me tell them that i like this girl...so what i'm saying is that you just have to be there for your friend, be supportive, understant, listen to him/her and don't let him/her alonee.....

what i'm saying might not help but that's what i think

[Mozinha]

You what happend to me... I actually was very close to a person who is gay. I know he is. We were really close and some thing don't need to be said. As soon as he realized I knew it, he just stopped talking to me, as if he was afraid I was going to tell everyone. And he know I would never judge him. This made me quite sad.

And what also makes me quite sad is that he keeps on hiding it. His family is very judgemental and very devouted Christians. His mother would never take it. She once said if a son of hers told her he was gay she would tell him he was not his son. And this guy really loves his mother...

Another thing that is working against him is his job. He is an apprentice teacher just like me and we all live in a small island, in a very very small town that fits twice inside Las Vegas Strip and some people here still live like this is the 19th century. I don't even want to imagine what would happen if parents knew a gay was teaching their son. Sad but... that's the reality where we live in.

 

 

I also wanted to clarify one thing: not all Christians criticise and bash gays. I'm a Christian, I go to church, I teached sunday school and I'm the first one to say I respect gay people as much as the next person and that they have all the right in the world to love a same gender person. So, please, don't say all Christians hate gay people because it's not true.

[KimboCosmo]

Here is a SAD TRUTH!

Homosexuality is STILL illegal in some states!

Sodomy Laws in the United States

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that sodomy laws are unconstitutional on June 26, 2003.

The sodomy law map below is prior to Lawrence v. Texas. All states are now white, ie the sodomy laws are unconstitutional and unenforceable. However, some states still attempt to enforce their laws. See Virginia, Oklahoma, and North Carolina. The U.S. Military enforces its sodomy regulation without regard to Lawrence.

 

http://www.sodomylaws.org/sodomy_map.jpg

Well, I live in a "white" state...so I guess that is good...lol This is crazy, I didn't even know all this! It's rediculous, really.

[KimboCosmo]

You what happend to me... I actually was very close to a person who is gay. I know he is. We were really close and some thing don't need to be said. As soon as he realized I knew it, he just stopped talking to me, as if he was afraid I was going to tell everyone. And he know I would never judge him. This made me quite sad.

And what also makes me quite sad is that he keeps on hiding it. His family is very judgemental and very devouted Christians. His mother would never take it. She once said if a son of hers told her he was gay she would tell him he was not his son. And this guy really loves his mother...

Another thing that is working against him is his job. He is an apprentice teacher just like me and we all live in a small island, in a very very small town that fits twice inside Las Vegas Strip and some people here still live like this is the 19th century. I don't even want to imagine what would happen if parents knew a gay was teaching their son. Sad but... that's the reality where we live in.

 

 

I also wanted to clarify one thing: not all Christians criticise and bash gays. I'm a Christian, I go to church, I teached sunday school and I'm the first one to say I respect gay people as much as the next person and that they have all the right in the world to love a same gender person. So, please, don't say all Christians hate gay people because it's not true.

I don't believe all Christians hate gay people...I know there are SOME true honest good Christians. It's just that MOST of them do not accept it. You have to admit, you cannot go to a Baptist church and sit down and announce that you are gay, and everyone run over and say "Oh bless you, you are welcome here, and we will be here for you no matter what!" It just doesn't exsist. But how I was raised is, that if you are REALLY a Christian then you love people no matter their color, gender, nationality...you love EVERYONE. I mean, everyone sins anyway, it's not like Christians crap don't stink. Oh well...just thought I'd tell you that I don't think all Christians hate gays.

[marckvls]

I'm gay [2]

 

And agree with celinedionsfan

 

Don't try to help your friend go out of the closet... Its such a hard decision to do, because his friends may not accept him after that. The world is still not completely ready for this, unfortunately!

The bst thing you can do is talk to him about this, but confidentially!

[celinesbabeinchrist]

I am a Christian, and I love gay people. I have family members who are gay. I am gong to go to college in a few years to become a pastor, but I believe that people should love whomever they want. It's not my place to judge and I find nothing wrong with being gay.

[KimboCosmo]

I am a Christian, and I love gay people. I have family members who are gay. I am gong to go to college in a few years to become a pastor, but I believe that people should love whomever they want. It's not my place to judge and I find nothing wrong with being gay.

If only everyone felt that way. I hate the idea of someone going out in public and being afraid to be theirselves because of what someone else thinks. Or them feeling discusted for something they are that is not in their control. This world is so cruel, and I hate it.

[gizapup]

at some point you just don't care what others think any more... most of my male friends are homophobic.. but when they saw me with another girl they said they might not agree with it but they can't hate me either. they're still my friends, and now when we go out, we check out girls together lol my girl friends have always been supportive of me.

 

my parents... they don't know yet. they know i have lots of gay friends, they know I go to pride, but they just don't get it or don't want to get it. but they won't have a choice cos my girlfriend will be moving in with me and i live pretty much next door lol

 

i used to be terrified of people finding out but this is me, i love ME. so love me or hate me, i don't care cos i plan to spend the rest of my life with my gorgeous woman

[KimboCosmo]

Good for you...glad you can accept yourself for who you are!

[Terre]

I guess I can tell you... I've started to think that I'm probably more into girls, I'm not sure though. My closest friends know that I'm not 100% straight but nobody knows how I really feel. I think I'll never be able to tell my parents.

 

I think the best thing you can do is to be there for your friend and support him/her.

[Davey84]

and is she/he outed already?

[KimboCosmo]

and is she/he outed already?

No they aren't "out".

[Cambroneroj]

Here is a SAD TRUTH!

Homosexuality is STILL illegal in some states!

Sodomy Laws in the United States

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that sodomy laws are unconstitutional on June 26, 2003.

The sodomy law map below is prior to Lawrence v. Texas. All states are now white, ie the sodomy laws are unconstitutional and unenforceable. However, some states still attempt to enforce their laws. See Virginia, Oklahoma, and North Carolina. The U.S. Military enforces its sodomy regulation without regard to Lawrence.

 

http://www.sodomylaws.org/sodomy_map.jpg

Well, I live in a "white" state...so I guess that is good...lol This is crazy, I didn't even know all this! It's rediculous, really.

 

 

i live in Texas and trust me its not as bad and it looks , no one messes with us at least in the city.

[Edwin]

i live in Texas and trust me its not as bad and it looks , no one messes with us at least in the city.

And for those who don't live in the city?

 

And to Kimba the OP, only they will know when they are ready to come out. All in due time.

[mazceline]

once your parents and loved ones have listened and delt with it, i think " coming out" is so much easier with over people like friends ect , it will be hard telling parents, cause every parent wants there child to be normal and happy, and before you all start, Normal in there eyes where you dont get picked on judged at , they would all prefer there kids to be straight , because its so much easier

 

its hard and believe me there is never any need for to rush into outting your self when your ready you will know and have the strengh x x

[Black Kitten]

i love gays and i have many gay friends. and to tell you the truth, they are more trustworthy than my girl friends. i also know some "closet gays", but im afraid of telling them that, deep in my heart, i can feel that they are gays. i just dont wanna hurt anybody. if thats what they want, to hide their real sexual identity, ill respect that. i love gays, that's it.

[Macaronie]

It took me two years until I told my parents that I am straight Edited January 23, 2008 at 03:57 PM by Macaronie

[Edwin]

It took me two years until I told my parents that I am straight

A straight boy now?! Wonder how Catherine would react to that.

[Davey84]

I'm sure they were shocked!

[Macaronie]

Na just joking. When I told my folks, my mom said: "Oh really? *silence* I always thought your brother was gay"

 

 

My dad expected it already.

[Davey84]

:sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny:

 

well it's not too late for your brother!!!

[Macaronie]

He's married and has a kid