A long time friend apparently made a clean break with me

[reamary]

So apparently, a long time friend of mine wants to make a clean break with me. We've been friends for about 13 years, she's French and lives in Paris, I live in Finland, and we first met through a pen pal site on Internet and have been pen friends ever since. In the beginning, it was more active, but later on I find that the friendship got "deeper" in a way, that even a few months could pass by without us writing to each other, but we still stayed friends. However, we've remembered each other every Christmas and on birthdays and so on. We've also met each other live a few times. And last year she spent a week as a guest in my house, and this year I did the same thing (in June, when I went to Céline's concert in Paris). And I do know she's someone who values her friendships and relationships a lot, and she really puts effort on them and cares for the people that are close to her. She likes to give gifts and send little cards and make surprises and so on. But anyway, as I already mentioned, there have been times, that even a few months may have passed by in silence, but things have remained good (at least that's how it seems to me). And now, I've always been the bit slower one, I mean it has always taken me more time to get in touch with her or write her a letter. I'm like that will all my relationships, it's not that I don't care or don't want to make efforts, but it just sort of "demands" a lot from me to complete a letter or concentrate on writing, sometimes. And nowadays I'm really very busy as I have two jobs, that make me very tired mentally, and sometimes I just don't have the strength to do anything really.

 

Anyway, so I spent a week with her in Paris in the first week of July this year, so about two months ago. She had rent an apartment for us to stay during my stay, as she still lives with her parents (we're both on our thirties) and organized some nice things to do in Paris (I didn't ask her to rent apartments, I said that I would be happy going to a hotel as well, or at least I'd like to pay my part for the apartments, but she didn't want me to) etc. So, after I left, I did leave her a thank you card, and after about a week I did e-mail her to let her know I was thankful for everything and so on.. So that was about 1,5 months ago. Then she answered, so it was kinda my turn again to write her, but I forgot at the time. In the end of July, I did receive a short text message from her, asking how I was doing, but again, I forgot to answer which sometimes does happen to me.. And now during all these weeks, I've been MEANING to write her a letter or answer her, and I WAS really going to do it all the time. But on Friday morning, I received quite a strong text message, where she told me she was really disappointed and upset that I had only written her once after my return in Finland, and that she thinks that it's not polite, after everything she did for me in Paris, and that she thinks that I forgot her pretty fast. She told me her parents keep asking her whether she has heard from me, and that every week she has to tell them no. And that I could easily find a few minutes to write at least short message saying how I'm doing, if I find the time go do sports and be on Facebook etc. She seemed really upset and even angry with me, and in the end, she told me that she doesn't like to be feeling sad and disappointed, so that's why she wrote me this and will now let me be as I seem to be too occupied for her. And that was it.

 

I was sort of surprised, because I've told her before that even if it might sometimes take a longer time from me to get back to her or write her, she's never out of my mind, that I do think about her a lot and won't never forget her. I've explained it to her a few times, and thought that she would know that already. I mean, that how could she think I forgot her immediately after I got back home, because we've been friends for 13 years, I've sent her cards and gifts too, I too invited her to house etc.. And now, she thinks I forgot her. I mean I know I should've gotten back to her faster, and it's true I could've found 5 minutes to write a few words. It's true. But I don't know how it happens, time just flies by and I mean to write, but then I forget it (not her, but that I was supposed to write) and there's million things I have to do and.. all of a sudden, a month has gone by. Maybe it's also that for me, a month doesn't feel as long as for her.. And I did write her once to say thank you, so it's not like I was being disgraceful. In my opinion.

 

Anyway, after all, I wanted to ask you, what are your thoughts on this situation? Do you find it normal behavior from her part (or from my part), do you understand it, or do you find that she's overreacting a little? Cause I keep asking myself, is she being totally reasonable and I'm the villain here? Of course you haven't experienced the situation exactly, but I would still like to hear your thoughts. And I think partly it's probably also a question of different personalities.

 

Thanks if you took the time to read it!

[dodobird]

Hello there!

 

First of all, let me tell you I feel you. Sometimes it takes me long to answer as well and it's not because I don't care or anything...it's because life sometimes gets the better of me and I'm buried under a million different things. I obviously can't say for sure but your friend's behavior seems nothing more to me than coming from a person who's hurting. When I hurt, I tend to 'close up' and set up a barrier something which often seems unreasonable to other people but it's often nothing more than me trying to protect myself.

 

I understand both sides of the 'argument' and honestly I don't think that either of you are at fault here. She might feel neglected, rejected and disappointed and you might feel misunderstood. But it's human. We can't be perfect in everything to do. You have your ways and she has hers. A month without communication might seem like an aeon to her but it might be nothing to you. It's normal. No two people are alike

 

If I were you and if this is a friendship you hold close to your heart then a Skype call or email to explain to her why you've not gotten back to her sooner will probably go a long way. Sometimes all people need is an explanation. Personally (since I am a lot like you and take my time before replying because I don't want to just write something for the sake of it) I've found that it's always helpful to try to meet the other person halfway.

 

That's just my 2c but I hope you work this out with her!

[celine4evauk]

If I were you I'd send her a txt apologising for not getting back to her, explain why briefly etc, and tell her you still value her friendship. Then I'd get writing her a decent long letter where you can go into more detail than in a txt. I think if you don't, or take offence etc you could end up not being friends anymore. We're all busy, but there are times when you have to make a little time for them. Think this is one of those times for you my friend. Hope you get things sorted 😊

[neilg]

Wow!! Well, I have been on both sides of this story.

 

I know how painful (painful is the wrong word, but I can't think of a more suitable word! ) it is to send someone a message, and then not hear back for an age. It starts to make me think, what are they doing? Are they ok? Are they unwell? Did I upset them?? My mind goes into overdrive thinking of all the possible explanations why. But the fact is - the one I keep forgetting - life gets in the way!

 

But I also know how life stops us doing what we want, even if it's taking five minutes out of the day to write a message to someone. Since I moved out of the UK, I get messages from my friends from home, and sometimes I take days to reply to even a short message - like you, I am busy... working, shopping, cleaning, tidying, vacuuming, traveling, washing, cooking, back to the supermarket, post office, bank, swimming, more working, late meetings, sleeping, relaxing!!

 

Then, I have time to reply, and look! It's five days later!! But when my friends take five days to reply, it's unacceptable !!

 

Maybe after all this time, she thought that things would have changed, and she would no longer have to wait to hear from you.

 

But even though, if I had known someone that long, I couldn't cut them out of my life suddenly like that.

 

There is of course a culture difference, but I don't know how the French think about these things. I do know they don't like to turn up to meetings on time though!!

[reamary]

Hey guys, and thanks for your replies. It seems to me that she doesn't want to stay in touch with me anymore. I answered her immediately as I got her message, saying that I'd get back to her in the evening (cause I was just about to leave for work at 5 AM). And as soon as I got back from work, I wrote her a long message on Facebook, trying to explain the situation, how I don't mean to do it, and telling her once again how she's still on my mind daily, even if it sometimes takes time for me to get back to her. But she hasn't reacted. I guess she has every right to not get back to me now, but I fear the friendship is over... Actually I'm surprised she still hasn't unfriended me on Facebook; every day I keep checking whether she's still on my friend list there.

I don't know what to do anymore. I think I have no choice but to just let it be, and maybe give her some more time, and maybe with time she'll come around and we can still sort it out... and if not, I just have to accept it I guess.

[ivo]

That's sad.... I hope it will all be good after all.

[sebulba]

Old thread so I have no advise sorry only curious how it went.

Did your friendship get sorted out?

Edited December 12, 2016 at 08:33 PM by sebulba

[Tjt39]

I know this is a old topic but I'm sorry to hear this life can be cruel I've had friends come and go and drift apart From me over the years you think they care and really they arnt who you thorght they were. I can proberly count one friend who always been their for me and still is 11 years later other than that I haven't really got anyone that I'm close to it hurts and can be lonley but that's the way it is problem is I just think I'm to nice and people walk over me anyway I really hope this did work out for you and take care ☺ Edited February 6, 2017 at 01:15 PM by Tjt39