Wanted to share this from my book...

[celinedionsfan]

I haven't posted here in quite a few years, but there was a time when I was a very frequent poster. I recently finished the first draft of a book I started in August 2006, a few months after my partner died and wanted to share part of here and thank Vic and Koolan for creating this forum:

On April 18, 2006 I posted a response in the off-topic section of the Celine Channel Forum. I have always been a fan of Celine Dion’s. Karen said I was obsessed. She was right! The topic initially had to with people’s opinions of gays, but some people brought the religious aspect into the dialog.

I think what bothers me the most is that some look upon us as being evil ... I am Catholic and the Pope has previously stated that gays are "disordered" ... that somehow we will destroy society and families if we are allowed to marry someone of the same sex. Maybe someday we will be fully accepted as children created by a loving God who did not intend for us to live our lives alone. Another issue is "rights" ... the same rights given to married couples with regard to medical insurance, filing status for tax purposes, medical decisions, social security and pension benefits for the surviving partner. From my own recent experience, I know how important these issues are. My partner's family had to sign the consent forms for surgery and ultimately to remove the ventilator and all medication because Karen and I had never signed health care surrogate forms. They allowed me to be a part of the decision-making, but had I been able to legally marry her, all decisions would have been mine to make. I know that I am better for having had Karen and her love in my life ...even if it was only five years ... just doesn't seem long enough.

The first one to respond to my post was Marie, a twenty-eight year old English woman. She offered her condolences. A few others responded as well. I started posting more often in the off-topic section. Sometimes I posted in one of the “lighter” topics; most often I posted in a topic about sadness that Marie had started. At one point, Marie thought her problems were rather insignificant compared to my loss. I wrote:

You are important ... you matter ... and whatever you are going through matters ... this isn't about who's having a harder time or who's dealing with harder things ... it's about all of being scared or us hurting or feeling lonely and doing the best we can to get through the moments…and doing the best we can to help each other get through…

I was aware, from the beginning, that most of the “posters” on the forum were young enough to be my children. I was also aware that I was not the only one going through a difficult time. I was deeply touched by, not only Marie’s kindness and thoughtfulness, but also Damien, age seventeen, Krys, age fifteen, and Aspen, age twenty-three, as these young people reached out with words to try to ease my pain. I wished their words could have done that, but they rarely did. The posts often dealt with how lucky I was to have found Karen, to have loved and been loved. I knew that I had been blessed to have Karen in my life. Being reminded of that did not help. Rather, those words just reminded me of what I had lost. I also knew that they were young and had not experienced this type of loss. But I still wanted to let them know how much I appreciated them. On April 24, I started a topic to thank them. I named my topic “Pebbles In A Pond” and wrote:

We are all like pebbles in a pond ... we know where we are dropped into the water but we never know just how far the ripples we create reach or whose lives we may touch ... We never know when something we say or post might be just what someone else needed to hear or read at that moment.

On April 28, I posted the following in response to question a young man had asked about why it seemed easier to feel loved by the members of the forum than from his own family:

I think that we all need to know and feel that we are loved ... that we matter... that our lives have some meaning beyond simply existing in this world... that someone else cares about us ... about what happens to us ... that we can leave behind the loneliness of "I" and join with another to become "WE"... that we have someone we can trust completely ... someone with whom to share our hopes, dreams and especially our fears ... that we are valued ... that we are and can become so much more than we think possible ... someone who will light the way in our darkest moments ... whose gentle voice offers a comfort we have never known ... who helps us realize that we are so much stronger than we imagined ... that we can get through the most difficult times ... someone who knows all our faults ... has seen us at our worse… when we have stumbled, fallen and struggled to get back up only to be overwhelmed by self doubt ... who knows our regrets ... our mistakes ... yet loves us because we are worthy and deserving of that love ... who reaches out a hand ... picks us up ... calms our fears ... sets us free... someone who reassures us that what we know to be true, that we are good and worthwhile, is true ... sometimes that person is a spouse… or a lover ... Sometimes a friend ... sometimes just another caring soul who has traveled a similar road and survived because someone took the time to do the same for them ...

We were all kindred spirits in that we were all dealing with something. We all faced our weaknesses and flaws, felt overwhelmed at times, stumbled, fell, struggled to get back up only to fall and need help to stand. We all reached out to help one another. In those moments of pain and tears and honesty, friendships formed. Damien and I spent many hours Instant Messaging. He always asked how I was and always sensed when I was not okay. Marie and I spent many hours chatting using the forum's private messenger. Because of the time difference, she would often be getting up just a few hours after I got home from work. She was a comfort on the long nights when I wasn't quite ready to try to sleep. Kris always helped me laugh. Just as we all found our way to one another on that forum, so we all gradually went our separate ways. I still keep in touch with some of them via Facebook. I will always be grateful for the time they took and the moments they shared with me.

[mazceline]

Fantastic patty, not only gonna be a great book,but great memories if happiness and sadness we worked out alot if things on this site cried laughter, but if you had not been here id nit have left the part of my life that was hurting, all I can say is thankyou for sharing and thankyou for being my forever friend xxxxx

[celinedionsfan]

Realized that I forgot to thank Bellamy and instead thanked Koolan twice

[celinedionsfan]

Ah sweet mazceline, we spent many hours chatting and posting around this time of the morning....

[mazceline]

Don't like the last part though that we went our separate ways, we never will😉

[celinedionsfan]

I meant that we no longer spent time together on the forum.

[nuts2you]

that is so sweet of you to,, its amazing how celine enters into our lives,

[sfbaysinger]

Very true, Tracey. I am so sorry the poster lost her partner. Time never makes it easier, I hope you have found peace though. I lost my sight and still feel I will never get over it. But Celine has always been there and those who came in to my life as a result of her.

[CelineRox]

Just..... Lovely

[celinedionsfan]

Thank you all for the kind words.

[mazceline]

We will always be friends u are my saviour x remember that patty

 

[VanMerlin]

It's wonderful to know that you finished your book. Congrats!