Sorry.

[MirandaSophie]

I wasn't going to say anything and I'm not really sure why I am to be honest. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am hurting so much at the moment, the thing is, nothing has changed recently, nothing big has sparked anything off in me, I'm just suddenly hurting- I don't want to give too much away, partly because i don't feel I have the energy to think about it in depth- I promised myself and those close to me that I would be brave this year, so I've not breathed a word, but I'm sturggling a little now.

 

Sometimes i'm fine- I seem to have two extremes- either I'm grinning from ear to ear, or, like now, I'm sat trying to hide and I just can't bear the thought of being seen and, Heaven forbid, having to communicate with certain people...or anyone at all. I sometimes get that numb bit in the middle where i'm just being and just get on- because you have to.

 

I know the big thing that's bothering me- but I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's constantly on my mind and it is really, really hurting- but I'm not sure I'm ready to explore it enough to get over it. I'm not sure if I can get over it, I don't know, I've not had to deal with something like this before. The thing is, this isn't a new "thing"- some might call it "old news", infact. It's like a door- it's always there, but I'm not ready to walk through it yet.

 

I am trying to be brave- there's a lot going on for a lot of people I know at the moment-good things and testing things- and I want to be as good a friend as I can be to them. I realise sometimes you can't be at your best for other people when you're not giving yourself enough time, or whatever.. but I think I'm doing ok for others. Also, like I said, I promised I would try to be brave- and we're not even two weeks into the new year ! Even if I wasn't trying to be brave, I don't know where or how I'd begin anyway.

 

Sorry- I know I'm rambling. And what a great first impression I'm making... Thank you for reading. I'm not sure what I'd like to hear or what I'd like anyone to say- apart from to tell me I'm dreaming and this "Thing" was never real. I guess that could still be a possibility. I'd give anything for that to happen.

[celinedionsfan]

You are not alone, although I know it seems that way...

 

We all feel overwhelmed at times... lost and alone... filled with so many doubts about ourselves... and we all need to share those darker feelings... to let them out and know that others have felt them, too...

[MirandaSophie]

thank you very much for that

 

For once, I'm not doubting myself per sé. It's hard to explain- when other things have really gotten me down, there has always been something I can do- even just short term. But this thing, there's nothing I can do to change it, I can't make it right again and no-one can and I can't understand any of it. I don't want to, I don't[ want to admit any of it. I know this isn't making much sense.

 

this might shed some light:

 

http://www.surreyad.co.uk/news/2019/2019950/may_2007_review

 

that's just a very brief round-up.. there were three or four other articles too. Look at her, she's jsut so, so beautiful.

[celinedionsfan]

Yes, she is and it is very hard to understand when someone we love and care about dies, especially someone young...

[MirandaSophie]

Because it can't be true. It just can't. I would do anything to wake up. I've bene getting on fine- I don't understand why this is all bothering me now. We're what, seven months from then.

 

It's not right, it's jsut not right, I'm sorry, I'm not coming across at all as I am meaning to- thank you for taking the time to reply and look etc. x

[celinedionsfan]

Because this is part of the grief process and this is when your mind is able to begin to deal with what happened... and it's just so hard... so unbelievable... and all you want is to wake up and tell her about this horrible dream you just had...

[babymonkey]

There is nothing at all to feel sorry for. You should never apologise for the way you feel. I went through something very similar a few years ago and I learned that there is no shame at all in feeling how you do. There is also no shame in reaching out for help, whether it is just to talk or for treatment.

 

I know everyone here will do whatever they can to help. They will lend an ear, offer encouragement, we are her for you.

[KimboCosmo]

I understand hurt and pain. I'll listen to you!

[MirandaSophie]

thank you, babymonkey and kimbocosmo, i really appreciate that. My Mum is now aware of how I'm feeling and wants me to get some professional help. The thing is, I don't think I can do it alone- I know it sounds childish, but if I MUST seek help, then I want my Mum there with me- she's in England, I'm living in Australia at the moment. I won't be home with her until the end of April and then i'm only there for 7 weeks.

 

I wish I were home.

 

Grief, I sound so sorry for myself. I'm sorry so my moaning.

[Edwin]

You should feel however you are feeling. Please don't worry about what others think about it, it doesn't matter. I have trouble expressing or letting my feelings be seen as well, so I know how it can be. What you have had to deal with, isn't something that will just magically heal itself.

I wish somehow you and your mum could be together right now, cause I know the power of a mother's soothing words and gentle touch. All of us here only send you the best wishes! Know that you have people, that you may have not ever talked to, here ready to listen. We may not say the 'right' thing, or know exactly what to say, but listen we can do.

All the best to you!

[MirandaSophie]

thank you very, very much, edwin.

 

I just feel guilty for making Mum feel how she does when I get upset etc. It's not fair on her.

[mazceline]

Well thats what us mums are here for, and no matter how much you feel your upsetting her or adding to her worries, i can promise you this she would prefer to be there for you that kept in the dark, she will be upset with you but would want to help. be brave and let her in ok x x x x