My new story

[babymonkey]

Here's the first part of a short story I'm writing. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on it. It's a work in progress and my usual editor (my father) is away so I could use some help!

 

Bang, bang, bang…. "I'm up! I'm up!", Michael cried out. Opening his eyes he looked around him. "Where the hell is that noise coming from?", he thought. Pulling back the covers he realised just how cold the room was. The window was open, the wind slamming it against the rotting wooden frame. It had been closed when he went to sleep…

 

He hurried over to close it. A thin vein of dusty sunlight spilled into the dark room illuminating a pile of dirty clothes lying on the floor. In the corner, a television sits on a pile of plastic crates, the screen cracked, useless. The floor bare, the only furniture a single bed and two small dressers. Michael shuffled away from the window and retrieved his dressing gown from the back of the door, its dark blue, heavy fabric smelling of stale sweat. Once again he vowed to wash it. Like he did every morning.

 

Cursing the oncoming winter he set about his morning routine. Taking his penknife out of his pocket he flicked it open and carved another notch into the doorframe. 719 at last count. Removing a lightbulb from the other pocket he polished it with his sleeve and screwed it into the hanging fixture above his head. Flicking the switch bathed the room in a dim yellow glow. Getting down on his knees about three feet to the left of the doorframe he used his penknife to pry up one of the worn floorboards. With his left arm holding the board he reached into the dark gap with his right. He pulled out a small silver key.

 

He muttered to himself as he stood up and made his way back to the bed. There are grooves in the floor where the bed has been moved over and back. He took hold of the corner post of the bed and pushed it to the right revealing a door built into the floor. He knocked twice and listened. Hearing nothing he put the key in the lock and turned it.

 

Snick….

 

What do you think?

Edited September 13, 2006 at 06:56 PM by babymonkey

[babymonkey]

Oh and I realise I stole the name of it... well I didn't steal it. I didn't know about the film when I named it that!

[catwomanrrr]

Good job!

I've always learned that when you give input to an artist, a writer, or an actor, you go with the positive first, and then you go for the construction criticisms next.

 

I could feel some excitement, suspense and some mystery based on what you've written so far. I like your use of onomatopoeia, such as "Bang" and "Snick." I love how you created a setting. Wood cabins... wooden floors... knocking and banging sounds... are classic elements of mystery stories. A good start!

 

However, I did put in some input, in red. I hope that you will understand that sometimes, mystery stories are supposed to be mysterious. However, the beginning of the story should be as intriguing and complex, without being ambiguous (although yours is not entirely ambiguous).

 

Enjoy and thanks for sharing with us!

 

Here's the first part of a short story I'm writing. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on it. It's a work in progress and my usual editor (my father) is away so I could use some help!

 

          (Maybe indicate that it's early morning, because at the beginning, most readers would've thought it was a noise in the night) Bang, bang, bang…. "I'm up! I'm up!", Michael cried out. Opening his eyes he looked around him. "Where the hell is that noise coming from?", he thought. Pulling back the covers he realised just how cold the room was. The window was open, the wind slamming it against the rotting wooden frame. It had been closed when he went to sleep…

 

            He hurried over to close it. A thin vein of dusty sunlight spilled into the dark room illuminating a pile of dirty clothes lying on the floor. In the corner, a television sits on a pile of plastic crates: the screen cracked, useless. The floor, bare: the only furniture a single bed and two small dressers. Michael shuffled away from the window and retrieved his dressing gown from the back of the door - its dark blue, heavy fabric smelling of stale sweat. Once again he vowed to wash it. Like he did every morning.

 

            Cursing the oncoming (maybe put in a year and/or location... for example... Colorado winter of 1959) winter he set about his morning routine. Taking his penknife out of his pocket he flicked it open and carved another notch into the doorframe. 719 at last count. Removing a lightbulb from the other pocket he polished it with his sleeve and screwed it into the hanging fixture above his head. Flicking the switch bathed the room in a dim yellow glow. (How does he know to get down on his knees? Can you indicate earlier that he's hearing sound from beneath him?) Getting down on his knees about three feet to the left of the doorframe he used his penknife to pry up one of the worn floorboards. With his left arm holding the board he reached into the dark gap with his right. He pulled out a small silver key.

 

            He muttered to himself as he stood up and made his way back to the bed. There are grooves in the floor where the bed has been moved over and back. (How and when did the bed move?) He took hold of the corner post of the bed and pushed it to the right revealing a door built into the floor. (Although it's up to the imagination of the reader sometimes, maybe it might be better if they knew if he had or had not known if there was a door there) He knocked twice and listened (intently?). Hearing nothing he put the key in the lock and turned it.

 

Snick….

 

What do you think?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

BTW, if you would like me to edit your stories, let's talk business privately...

Edited September 14, 2006 at 06:03 AM by Joy

[babymonkey]

Thank you! Much appreciated input! The story itself is not really a mystery story. There is a reason for a bit of ambiguity in the story which comes later on. To put it in now would be... hmmm... revealing future events in the story... A little response to your responses follow in green.....

 

Good job!

I've always learned that when you give input to an artist, a writer, or an actor, you go with the positive first, and then you go for the construction criticisms next.

 

I could feel some excitement, suspense and some mystery based on what you've written so far. I like your use of onomatopoeia, such as "Bang" and "Snick." I love how you created a setting. Wood cabins... wooden floors... knocking and banging sounds... are classic elements of mystery stories. A good start!

 

However, I did put in some input, in red. I hope that you will understand that sometimes, mystery stories are supposed to be mysterious. However, the beginning of the story should be as intriguing and complex, without being ambiguous (although yours is not entirely ambiguous).

 

Enjoy and thanks for sharing with us!

 

Here's the first part of a short story I'm writing. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on it. It's a work in progress and my usual editor (my father) is away so I could use some help!

 

          (Maybe indicate that it's early morning, because at the beginning, most readers would've thought it was a noise in the night)(That I can do... maybe not just at the start but in the first paragraph anyway) Bang, bang, bang…. "I'm up! I'm up!", Michael cried out. Opening his eyes he looked around him. "Where the hell is that noise coming from?", he thought. Pulling back the covers he realised just how cold the room was. The window was open, the wind slamming it against the rotting wooden frame. It had been closed when he went to sleep…

 

            He hurried over to close it. A thin vein of dusty sunlight spilled into the dark room illuminating a pile of dirty clothes lying on the floor. In the corner, a television sits on a pile of plastic crates: the screen cracked, useless. The floor, bare: the only furniture a single bed and two small dressers. Michael shuffled away from the window and retrieved his dressing gown from the back of the door - its dark blue, heavy fabric smelling of stale sweat. Once again he vowed to wash it. Like he did every morning.

 

            Cursing the oncoming (maybe put in a year and/or location... for example... Colorado winter of 1959) (I've never really been one for dating the stories I write, or giving the particular settings. I feel it can sometimes alienate a reader... also you will see that the location isn't really that important) winter he set about his morning routine. Taking his penknife out of his pocket he flicked it open and carved another notch into the doorframe. 719 at last count. Removing a lightbulb from the other pocket he polished it with his sleeve and screwed it into the hanging fixture above his head. Flicking the switch bathed the room in a dim yellow glow. (How does he know to get down on his knees? Can you indicate earlier that he's hearing sound from beneath him?) (The sound was the window banging against the frame. There was no sound beneath him but getting the key out was part of his morning routine. Just like the notch in the doorframe and the lightbulb)Getting down on his knees about three feet to the left of the doorframe he used his penknife to pry up one of the worn floorboards. With his left arm holding the board he reached into the dark gap with his right. He pulled out a small silver key.

 

            He muttered to himself as he stood up and made his way back to the bed. There are grooves in the floor where the bed has been moved over and back. (How and when did the bed move?) (that will be explained)He took hold of the corner post of the bed and pushed it to the right revealing a door built into the floor. (Although it's up to the imagination of the reader sometimes, maybe it might be better if they knew if he had or had not known if there was a door there) (again it is part of his routine and the reasons for it come later on)He knocked twice and listened (intently?). Hearing nothing he put the key in the lock and turned it.

 

Snick….

 

What do you think?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

BTW, if you would like me to edit your stories, let's talk business privately...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

As I say, there is a reason for the ambiguity in the story. The punctuation corrections are always welcome, they've never been my strong point. Also it's pretty much just a first draft. I'll finish editing the entire story and then repost!