Which is the Best? poems

[celines_girl]

I have to enter a poem for a scholarship. I would like your advice on which one is the best. I really can't decide.

 

For Just One Second

 

It burns so deep in me

It hurts and won't stop

Why does it have to be me?

Why do I have to deal with it?

Why can't I be free?

 

For just one second stop the pain

For that one second I will live

I will die for just one second

 

I can't think

I can't speak

It hurts so bad

I can't move

I am so weak

But I won't give up

I will wait for that one second

When I can say I am alive

 

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

 

It's so hard to say goodbye

when I love you so much

and I know that you should go

but I can't let go

 

It's so hard to say goodbye

I can't live like this

can't be alone

I got to let you go

 

I knew that you couldn't stay

but I tried with all my heart

I loved you till your last breath

and I love you still

so I got to say goodbye

 

I got to know

that you will wait for me

I got to know that your are gone

but if I love you still

you will live inside my heart

 

It's so hard to say goodbye

but I know that I can

I got to let you go

 

so go now

I will never forget you

[vivezpouraimer]

I picked "For Just One Second"

 

Difficult decision. Are you open to any critiques or did you just want to have votes?

 

I'm not an expert, but I've won several competitions and I've written over 500 poems.

[HelenCeline27]

i liked for just one second

[celines_girl]

Yeah I would love critques whatever you have to say would be great.

[Celine's Wife]

Hm, hard choice, they're both good

[nagyorsi]

I voted for It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

[scallywag]

I voted for For Just One Second. Hard descision thogh. Good job

Hope you'll get your scholarship!

[vivezpouraimer]

Yeah I would love critques whatever you have to say would be great.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Okay, in "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" I'm very sure it's intentional, but still yet -- the bad grammar with "got" is very...well, it knocks the poem off beat and makes it sound a bit just bad. Once or twice is certainly fine, but so many times...it seems like you're trying too hard.

 

Both flow nicely except for one or two lines, which is normal. Always remember that a peom does NOT have to rhyme at all. So, in the second poem it would sound great if you just wanted to say "So, I must say goodbye" Something like that.

 

I don't like to critique too much, because poetry is a very free expression straight from the heart. If it's not from your heart (and these definitely seem to be) then it's just boring.

 

One thing I've noticed is...you have to keep writing and re-reading. I get better with each poem that I write. For some reason it just flows better. Like you get better each time you sing, you know? It's not necessarily something you can go to school for or something.

 

So, don't stop writing! hehe. I love writing.

 

Anyway. In "For Just One Second" I think that taking out the contractions in the first stanza would be more powerful...and leaving them scattered in is fine throughout the end. It's not a huge deal, but both of them are a bit short. So, roll the words over and over in your mind throughout the day and while listening to songs that really move you -- especially in sadness if this is what you're trying to convey. Then more will come and you can add on...switch around...and erase. Just a suggestion. And don't be afraid of change stuff! You can always change back.

 

*shrugs* Great job, though.